HOW FIGHTS START:

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked: "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."And then the fight started!

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,  "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes".
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started!


LAUGHTER IS IMPORANT!  
Christmas may be over, but let's keep up the spirit!
http://www.aroundmd.com/whitechristmas/
Have a look at a Christmas link!
Since we can't control much in this world, then......... !   Christmas may be over, but let's keep up the spirit!Have a look at a Christmas link!Since we can't control much in this world, then......... 

LET US LAUGH!




           

"My name is Wilma, and I'll be taking you to your room at the

State Mental Hospital."    


     


A very funny joke........
If you can read this entire story and not laugh, then there is no hope for you!
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cookoff in Texas!

NOTE:  Please take time to read this slowly.  If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a chili Cookoff about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge # 3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

FRANK:  'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for direcions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

HERE ARE THE SCORECARD NOTES FROM THE EVENT:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Fank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2  AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank)  Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3  FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank)  Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4  BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb woman is starting to look Hot...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5  LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly gorund, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  i wonder if I'm burning my lips off?  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6  VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank)  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7  SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8  BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) -- No Report.
LOL LOL LOL
The end....poor Frank
  

    HOW MORE FIGHTS START:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
 and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
 I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started!

I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car and looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said,  "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight got started!

I went out for a drink with Maxine last night, boy that gal is a hoot!





MAXINE'S QUOTE FOR THE WEEK:

OMG!  Do you know what the difference is between your 40 year old adult child and a stone?
 (answer)  N O T H I N G!




M O R E  F I G H T S   G E T   S T A R T E D:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my second reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
 at a nearby table.  My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed.  "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we spilt up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, " Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!"
And then the fight started!

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight got started.

A woman was standing nude, looking into the bathroom mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied, "Your eyesight is near perfect."
And then the fight started!

         Well ladies' I think we can all agree, this is just about what your average male in a wheelchair would do. Somehow old doesn't stop dirty old men. What's funny is they wouldn't know what to do anyway, they only think they should do something. So, acting "stupid" is pretty much what they do.    MAK

                          
                                                                      

                                                         "What? Those are birthmarks"



                                      
                            HOW TRUE IS THAT????
 
                                                                                   WE CAN ALL AGREE WITH THIS ONE TOO. WE SHOULD ALL TAKE THEM TO COURT FOR FALSE ADVERTISING!!! LOL

Maxine's advise about bad adult children:

IF YOU HAVE A JOKE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO POST ON THIS PAGE, SEND IT TO MARGUERITE DIRECTLY. IF IT MAKES HER LAUGH, IT WILL BE POSTED!   JUST SEND AN EMAIL:  marguerite@fairproductions.biz 

       
HELLO, and thank you for calling THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL.
        

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell YOU which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep.or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.  You won't be crazy forever..

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Sorry the therapist is not in, he is presently at the post office on a shooting spree, but will return after his 72 holding period.

Thank you, have a nice day!

        

"I think that I shall never see,
 a Goddess quite as cute as me. 
I may have wrinkles and a rose,
but I can still bend to my toes.
A rose that is so big and red,
just like my husband,
but now he's dead.
I wish I may, I wish I might ,
have that turkey
on my plate tonight!

Sometimes words are not necessary!







            OH THE JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!      
                    

With the exception of the personal property (including original writing and photos) of Marguerite A. Fair-Kosciewicz, Fair Productions owns no rights to cartoons or other photos.
They are posted on this site from public domain sources for fun and entertainment only.


     Some funny Quotes:
"In every relationship three things should always be present, attention, affection and appreciation.
George A. DeLucia, Atlanta, GA

 "If I had a penny for every line I heard, then I'd have a dollar and a half"
Marguerite A. Fair, Los Angeles, CA

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